My husband’s snoring is driving me crazy. We’ve tried everything out there and nothing works. He sleeps like a baby (albeit a very fat, extremely noisy one), and I can hardly sleep at all. Can you help?

Sincerely yours,

Sleepless in Sheboygan

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Dear Sleepless in Sheboygan,

You’ve written at just the right time. My friends in the Victoria’s Rejects R&D division have recently introduced a revolutionary bed, the “Sleep Snuffer,” designed to remedy your exact problem. Sleep Snuffer mattresses are constructed of Snoraform, a recently-declassified material used by NASA and the CIA, which is completely soundproof. When your husband lies down, the Sleep Snuffer bed automatically lowers him into the mid-section of the mattress, so he’s completely sandwiched within layers of Snoraform. Unfortunately, Snoraform is not only sound-proof, it’s also air-proof. Therefore it also comes with a specially-designed clog-resistant snorkel, which your hubby inserts into his mouth prior to retiring for the night. If there’s any mishap with the equipment and his oxygen level becomes dangerously low, a built-in blood gas sensor will trigger an ear-piercing 100 decibel alarm. FYI — the alarm has an off switch.

All my best,
Adi Pose

Since my late 40’s I’ve been having an awful time trying to keep my current weight, much less lose any. I kept a meticulous food journal for a month and found that I could only eat 600 calories if I wanted to maintain my weight. I also found that in order to lose weight I could only eat one leaf of arugula, two stalks of celery, and a small tomato. Don’t you think that there is something wrong with my calculations?

Sincerely yours,

Overweight in Ottawa

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Dear Overweight in Ottawa,

Nope. Sounds about right to me.

All my best,
Adi Pose