Dear Adi Pose,

My husband’s snoring is driving me crazy. We’ve tried everything out there and nothing works. He sleeps like a baby (albeit a very fat, extremely noisy one), and I can hardly sleep at all. Can you help?

Sincerely yours,

Sleepless in Sheboygan

————————————————————-

Dear Sleepless in Sheboygan,

You’ve written at just the right time. My friends in the Victoria’s Rejects R&D division have recently introduced a revolutionary bed, the “Sleep Snuffer,” designed to remedy your exact problem. Sleep Snuffer mattresses are constructed of Snoraform, a recently-declassified material used by NASA and the CIA, which is completely soundproof. When your husband lies down, the Sleep Snuffer bed automatically lowers him into the mid-section of the mattress, so he’s completely sandwiched within layers of Snoraform. Unfortunately, Snoraform is not only sound-proof, it’s also air-proof. Therefore it also comes with a specially-designed clog-resistant snorkel, which your hubby inserts into his mouth prior to retiring for the night. If there’s any mishap with the equipment and his oxygen level becomes dangerously low, a built-in blood gas sensor will trigger an ear-piercing 100 decibel alarm. FYI — the alarm has an off switch.

All my best,
Adi Pose

 

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 17th, 2008 at 3:34 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.