WORLD BREATHES AN ECO-LOSSAL SIGH OF RELIEF AS M.I.T. REVEALS FULLY RENEWABLE BIOFUEL SOURCE

Cambridge, MA. In a press conference held earlier today, scientists at the Menopausal Institute of ThermalDermalHydrology revealed that, in collaboration with the original Menowoman, and some of the world’s top scientists, they have developed a cost-effective technique for converting menopausal women’s hot flashes into useable energy. “This represents the ultimate breakthrough in the search for a renewable source of biofuel” stated Dr. Irene Funkenhauser, the researcher on this heretofore top-secret project.

She explained to the rapt audience that given current world demographics and the thousands of women who enter menopause every hour of every day, hot flash harnessing can supply all the world’s energy needs for eternity.

Another MIT press conference is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, where further findings will be released. MIT will also make the complete 4,134 page document available to the world community by the end of next month.

THOUSANDS OVERWHELM M.I.T's "HARNESSING HOT FLASHES" NEWS CONFERENCE

Cambridge, MA. MIT’s second press conference was delayed by two hours as hurried arrangements were made to accommodate the thousand of unanticipated attendees. When the proceedings began, Dr Funkenhauser, the lead researcher, revealed that hot-flashing women, for reasons not completely understood, produce energy in either a steam or electric form. Around the lab they are colloquially referred to as either Steamers or Beamers. About 10% of women are able to produce energy in both a steam and electric form.

Also revealed was that the same mathematical formulas used to calculate the steam/kilowatt output ratios of the Old Faithful geyser in Yellowstone National Park, can be applied with amazing accuracy to measure the energy outflow of menopausal women. As an aside, Dr Funkenhauser described the serious tensions in the lab that had arisen as the result of some of the younger male scientists referring to the menopausal test subjects as "Old Faithful Geezers".

During the question and answer period, Dr. Boris Karkoff, the world’s foremost expert on ancient civilizations, suggested that the reported findings might explain the predominance of matriarchies in pre-historic societies. According to Dr. Karkoff, menopausal women may have been revered because, before the discovery of fire, they were the only ones capable of heating the caves during the long, harsh, Ice Age winters.

The only sour note occurred when a group of attendees began chanting "you lie." momentarily drowning out the speaker. An unnamed source said that there would be Tea Party protests aimed at the press conference findings. When asked what the protests would be about he admitted that he wasn’t sure, adding that, regardless of what they would be protesting, attendance would be very high.